new year resolution..always had one but never really think that it's a big fuss and i dont think that i ever try to get it done..maybe once when i was young..i know that i'm still young at the moment but why do i always think that i'm settled. I dont want to be a settled person..im not this kind of a person..
before this im the kind of person who wanted to be on top..wanted to be the best...but now..i just feel to be settled..and it made me mad for thinking that i wanted to do a lot of things but when i rationalize it too much...i've settled..
i've become a boring person..introvert and afraid..always thinking that i have to be dependable..unable to be independent..why...is it because i rely to much to this person and it make me settled.
not that i'm not trying to change myself..i always do..but is it because i never had a good support system and it turn me down again and again.....why...i always feel sad..always cautious..always feel insecure..i hated the way i feel right now...i remember that i used to be fun..at least that's what i feel about myself..always look up to myself..always have the confident in me and never needed anyone to tell me that im beautiful to be okay...
but now...im depressed..unable to say it out loud..keeping it to myself make it even worst...i know that i'll never be the same person like before..but at least gimme the strength to fight each day and at least put a fake smile just to please others or better yet stop pretending and just be myself...
why....
oh crap..i hate my life and the way im rambling.......stop being such a pathetic person..
anyways...how do you know that you've found the right person to be with and to spend the rest of your life with...how can you be so sure that you'll be together forever with this guy but deep down inside you know that one day he may die...or leave u..
i know that all of the above are dumb fucking questions and realistically stupid....i need answers to it..
am i being unappreciated bitch..maybe I am...cuz this is what happen when u keep to much to your self and never let anyone into u...but then again..there's always a need to tell but what's the point..
one thing lead to another but..there's a lot of negativity in me.which is not good..anyhow..i always hate my life..i never feel good in anything..it's just me..not even blaming other for what happened to me..it's just me..in my messed up mind..
please give me a sign...i hate my life right now..see i told you how messed up i am now..even when reading back the whole post made me thinking how messed up my mind is..always jumping to another problem without having the need to solve one....
dah la..i give up..i'll be more positive in the next post...this is just my pms talking..so layan je la..dont even bother to take it seriously..
